Funny

JOB APPLICATION

NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi- millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).

EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months).

MILITARY:
I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Na ntucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months).

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

PERSONAL I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail....... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn... that was fun!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail....... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn... that was fun!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is little time left until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the President of ALL Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice without rancor.

If you support George Bush, please drive with your headlights "ON" during the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROVERBS
-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
-- Time flies like an arrow. Frui! t flies like a banana.
-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-- Every calendar's days are numbered.
-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at l! arge.
-- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed i n the end.
-- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-- Money talks.......chocolate sings!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young son asked his father one day, "dad, what is the difference between "Potentially" and "Realistically"? The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God and Fat
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yeah," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. Hilltop Steak House thrived! And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said "it is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeah! And super size em."

And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

T. 'Bubba' Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE PROBLEM: Which Video to Buy?

Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy?
"Titanic" or "My Life - The Bill Clinton Movie"

TITANIC VIDEO: $9. 99
CLINTON VIDEO: $9. 99

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica is forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica. . . uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary . . . basically the same thing

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CLEARING UP HEALTH QUESTIONS:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans. another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title.

In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room.

The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:

(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap

The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone...